Yesterday I booked time off work for my pre-pump appointment in May. This one is about a week before my actual pump start, and the nurse at my endo clinic said that this will be my "saline start." I'll get to start with the pump using a saline solution, and was told that I'll be able to continue wearing it (with saline) for a day or two if I want.
This appointment is also when they will be telling me how I should be taking my insulin(s) leading up to my pump start appt, and I guess just preparing me in general for what to expect.
I go back the following week to start on the pump. I wish I could say I'm just as excited as I was back in September when I got insurance confirmation for cgm coverage and made the decision to go wih the Medtronic pump, but honestly lately I'm just not feeling that way. I've been feeling sort of mentally and emotionally wrung out, and as a result I've been getting sloppy about some things that I used to handle quite well. Sometimes it's simple things, like going from weighing fruit before I bring it to work to just shoving it in a ziplock and guesstimating the carbs. I'm probably not too far off in my carb-guess, but I know that's not really the point. It's more that it starts slowly: good habits (like, say, getting an accurate carb count of my breakfast before I leave for work) start to weigh down on me, and pretty soon they've been replaced by bad habits. It starts to feel like more stuff to add to the never-ending list of things I do to try to stay healthy, and when I start to half-ass it and get ok(ish) results, it begs the question: why try so hard in the first place?
Obviously, I should try to keep up with all of these good d-habits because I want to stay healthy. Or I should want to stay healthy.
Don't get me wrong: I absolutely, certainly, undoubtedly do want to be healthy. I do. I really, really, really do - but at what cost? I could probably be healthier if I flossed every day, but I don't do that. Diabetes-wise, there are habits I could work on (...or work on maintaining) that would improve my management, but sometimes the work involved is exhausting enough to discourage me from doing it.
I know that sounds awful, but in all honesty I sometimes feel like I only have so much energy, a large amount of which is already spent on diabetes stuff. Some days I worry that I'm running out of energy, motivation, willpower, and drive, and won't have enough left for basic things like getting up every morning and facing the day, I guess. or wanting to, at least.
I am definitely looking forward to my pump start. I'm also trying to convince myself how I'll have the undivided attention of my CDE for a full day, and something like that is not to be wasted. Adjusting my mental frame to be more excited about this is a slow process, but I'm getting there. Trying to find the version of me who so eagerly anticipated this date is hard; the girl who just views it as "more stuff to take care of" is pretty convincing. It'll get there though - May is still pretty far away.