This definitely perked me up this morning:
Well, it's diabetes' 23rd birthday (for me, anyways). I certainly can't say it's been a happy one, but then again, none of them really are.
BGS have been fine today. I am still here. I can be grateful for that today. Complications aside, I am still here.
Shaky. Fatigued. A bit brain-fuzzy, so really needing to think before I speak.
Putting things down instead of holding them, because if I hold them you'll see how my hands are shaking.
Asking a lot of questions that I *know* will set you up for a big in-depth response, because that way I can participate by making "mm hmm" noises while not actually having to speak or form a coherent response.
Leaning against the counter, because it's less risky that way. Less of a chance I'll tumble.
Smiling brightly and in a way that I hope looks reassuring, so that you won't ask if I'm feeling ok because I look a little "off".
For months, life has been about wedding planning. Now I'm not planning anything, and I think a combo of hot weather and a lack of wedding-prep stress has left me with some pretty serious lows. This week has been making it clear that I need to tweak my basal rates.
Thing is, I don't want to say that it must be so nice to be done planning.
I don't want to talk about my health. It's not nice to be back and be "basking in no wedding stress!". It's not. It's really not. It's uncomfortable and debilitating and leaves me feeling weak and frustrated.
So please, please don't ask how I am. I will hope you don't ask, and if you do, I will lie. I will lie and I'll hope you either don't catch on or, if you do, you'll get the hint and not pry. I am tired and I am low and when I'm not low I'm high. If the beeping of my pump doesn't give it away, my bright smiles and quick escapes should.
Just give me a bit more time to adjust to my new stress levels. Ask me again in the fall, ok? Ask me how I'm doing and maybe you'll like the answer a bit more come October.
So, an update:
I have not uploaded my pump data to Carelink since last week when I promised myself I would (I blame Pokemon GO for this one).
Yesterday I ran out of insulin again overnight so I carried around a bottle for about 18hrs and took shots by syringe every few hours. Forgot to disconnect my pump, so I kept it connected too. I really only needed it nearby for the cgm, but didn't clue in that I could yank out the no-longer-useful infusion set.
Tonight I had two bowls of soup, three slices of pizza, a veggie wrap, and four glasses of wine for dinner. & no, I'm not done yet. It is 9pm.
It's official; wedding planning is getting to me. On the plus side, no scary-need-help-to-treat lows, no ketones-and-puking highs in a while so...that's a good sign? Silver linings, anyone?
I get really bad wifi connection when I'm in the fridge with my juice drinking all of the juice.
I thought I have been doing quite well.
Sure, I've had a few more lows than usual. Sure, stress can do that. And sure, I keep having to remind myself after treating these lows that maybe it's time to slash away at my basal rates so these lows happen less often, but then I forget right up until the next 2.7 is staring me in the face.
Then this happened, and I found myself sitting in my office 2 days ago with an empty pump and a 6-day-old infusion set. That may be the norm for some, but I usually try to keep to a 3- or 4-day site rotation, so 6 is a bit much. Limiting sets to 3 or 4 days usually easy for me, since I've never made it past day 4 with any insulin left in my reservoir.
I think at this point it's safe to say that despite my best (okay, my medium-est) efforts, wedding planning has bested me. Diabetes care has fallen by the wayside. I'm still here, still bolusing for food and chowing back on glucose tablets when I'm low, but being proactive about my self-care is taking a backseat to all of the wedding stuff.
So, step 1 has been Recognizing The Need For Change. I guess step 2 is actually doing it. On that note, I will upload my cgm data to Carelink when I get home tonight. I will. Tonight.
I mean, not right away tonight. We have a meeting with the wedding DJ after work. But after that. Definitely.
Treating lows with ginger snaps this morning, because today is a day with an I-can't-handle-anotherfuckingglucosetablet kind of mood.
& no, I was not actually 2.7. My cgm was off by a bit; my BG was 3.0. Still low, but not in the 2's.
BGs in the 2-somethings usually result in the mad rush to stave off death with ALL OF THE CARBS RIGHT NOW OMG. My 3.0, today, was treated with cookies, coffee, and that difficult bitch, patience.
I realized something slightly ridiculous today.
I told a lie about why I ended up waking up with a high BG this morning. I was out with a group of friends, but the migrane that's been edging in since I first woke up was getting louder and angrier by the minute. I spoke to the hostess to politely excuse myself so I could go home to sit in a very quiet room with the lights dimmed, and this kind, wonderful friend of mine asked what was up.
I told her, as well as her parents who had just arrived to the soiree, that I woke up with a high blood sugar and a splitting headache and it's been getting worse all day. I then shrugged. It must have been a kinked pump cannula or something, I explained. That's definitely why I woke up high.
It's not, though. I was 4.3 with 1.5 units of insulin on board when I checked before bed. I'd just started a new cgm and was still in the 2-hour warm-up period, so I had no cgm graph to indicate whether I was stable or dropping. I was uncomfortable going to bed at that number with insulin still on board, so I chugged back a juice box before brushing my teeth and going to bed.
I was, in case you can't tell where this is going, very mistaken about the effects of my on-board insulin. I woke up at 14 -- by far not the worst blood sugar I've ever seen upon waking up, but still high enough to give me the headachey, fuzzy-mouthed irritability that comes with a few solid hours of high BGs.
The part that's truly baffling though, is why did I lie? I'm positive my friend could not give less of a shit about the finer details. Why not just admit that I was scared of going low overnight, so I overreacted? There would be no judgement from this friend; no chastising me for not waiting it out or setting an alarm to check overnight. No finger-wagging or tsk-tsk-tsking at how I jumped the gun and treated a low that hadn't happened yet.
I know my actions weren't ideal. I think my reasons (fear of going low) are perfectly reasonable, but still I obviously overtreated. Why did I hide that information? Why treat it like I have something to hide?
I think I found one of the most uncomfortable feelings basically ever - or in the top 10 at least. It starts with a high blood sugar, but not too high - something around 13 or just over.
13, by the way, is high enough for your body to start producing ketones. Did you know this? I did not remember this. Could happen though. Differs for everyone, but it's still possible.
So let me get back to the least comfortable feeling ever. That feeling when you exercise and in order to exercise you set a lower temp basal so you can exercise safely, but then following your exercise, you spike because your temp basal was probably a little overkill. That's okay though, right? Better safe than sorry. Having BG sitting a bit higher, maybe 12-13, post-exercise is certainly preferable to mid-exercise lows. (For me, anyways. Lows while I'm fighting traffic on my bike would be mildly unpleasant, probably.)
That post-exercise spike leaves you sitting at 13. You wait to correct the 13 because you're grocery shopping and picking up things for dinner, only by the time you get home your blood sugar of 13 has turned into 13 with large fucking ketones.
And dinner? Forget dinner. Instead of dinner, you get to be thirsty as fuck while simultaneously fighting the urge to hurl back up all of the water you just chugged. Fighting rather unsuccessfully, I might add.
Add to all of this the incredibly defeating feeling of failing at exercise, failing at diabetes, and the infuriating helplessness of the fact that THIS. IS. NOT. FAIR.
THAT, ladies and gentleman, makes my top 10 for most uncomfortable way to spend my Friday night.
I made it! After two false starts last week (having some issues with my bike chain), I successfully made it home from work today. I set a 60% temp basal starting 4 hours before I left and continuing 30 minutes into my ride. It's a bit excessive, true, but I wanted to be extra-cautious since lately I've been tending to run low in the afternoons.
Both times last week when my chain got jammed and I couldn't get it un-stuck, the resulting high blood sugars were pretty miserable. I used the same temp basal (60% for 4.5hrs) in anticipation of a 60-minute cycling commute, so after getting home by car I would inevitably be stuck with a stubborn high BG for most of the night. The frustration from a failed ride is one thing, but dealing with the highs afterward made a missed bike ride into a whole different experience*.
I have to say I'm pretty thrilled that I finally made it home by bike. I'm also pretty pleased that I managed it with no lows.
Next task: see if I can manage a stable 7, WITHOUT lows, throughout my ride, instead of the 10 shown above. Unlikely, but hey! A girl can dream, no?
A crappy one. Briefly; only for a night, but still. Feels pretty crappy.