13
Apr

Bargaining?

I sometimes find myself negotiating with myself to downplay the gravity of my diabetes care. "Oh, I've been waking up high all week? ...Yeah, but yesterday I tidied the main floor AND vacuumed. PLUS, I emptied the garbage for the whole house this week so that Boyfriend didn't have to, because on garbage night he was out at his mom's place fixing that crack in the drywall beside the kitchen counter, so he would have been too tired to do the garbage, soo......yeah. I should get a pass on the diabetes thing. I'm obviously too busy to retest overnight basals."

 

"I wore an infusion set for 5.5 days last week? Yeah, BUT the DCM at work (A manager who is, I think, 5 or 6 managerial levels up above my boss) came to our office with a rush request on a Friday afternoon, so I stayed suuuuuper late on a Friday. I was crazy-efficient though! I produced everything that they needed for their meeting on Sunday!"

 

Or, my favourite, "I wore an infusion set for 5 days again? Well, that's 5-days-ago-Melody's fault. She shouldn't have filled the reservoir with enough insulin to last 5 days. She should've only filled it with 3 days' worth."

 

 

 

Sometimes I wish I knew some other actual, real-life diabetics, so I could figure out whether this is a thing we all do. I feel as though if others do it too, that makes it less bad. I'm sure there's a word for that.

23
Feb

A moment of hesitation

Sometimes these moments of diabetes fatigue hit me out of nowhere.

Last night my pump site was itchy and sore. I'm not due to change it until tonight, so I figured I'd ride it out and just put up with the sore site for a day.

This morning I woke up late, rushed in to work without testing in the morning, and only checked when I got in to the office. I'd been going on my cgm values, which were a little high but nothing too critical.

My BG once I got to work? 18.7.

The most likely culprit is a site that's not absorbing properly any more. I know that to fix it the next thing I should do would be an injection (not a correction delivered through my pump!) and a set change.

I open the "diabetes drawer" at work, pull out my spare reservoir and Mio set... and I pause.

I just don't want to.

I'm actually finding myself contemplating getting the vial of long-acting Levemir that I keep in the fridge at work and switching back to shots for a day or two.

I know that a sore site makes me much more likely to want to take a break from pumping. A sore site is a reminder that I've got a plastic cannula below the skin, making a tiny part of my body itchy and uncomfortable.

For now I've delivered my correction and am waiting on the whole set-change-or-not issue. There is no need to decide right now.

It is uncomfortable, painful, and unfortunate, but it is not currently life-threatening. I can afford to take a minute to try to remind myself why I started pumping in the first place.

21
Feb

Overnight lows

I've been having some issues with overnight lows lately.

 

I've been setting a 70% basal overnight for the last few weeks. Most of me knows that a 70% basal will make me wake up ok; fortunately for me I have a pretty solid network of friends who help me to fee not-so-terrible when I've had some delicious delicious wine.

 

My overnight basal rates have been too high for a while, and the weird thing is that it seems to take having friends over for dinner and drinks to figure out that I need to do something more permanent than a 70% overnight basal.

Bah! I don't want to have to re-jig my overnight insulin rates! Sometimes changes, whether stress levels or natural life stuff, BLOW.

30
Jan

The need for space

Some days it feels like I just need everyone and everything to fuck off.

The painful tingling in my hand from pinched elbow nerves can fuck off.

Diabetes can fuck off.

Eosinophilic Esophagitis can fuck RIGHT off.

Yesterday was my endoscope appointment with the gastroenterologist. He took biopsies of my duodenum, proximal esophagus, and distal esophagus. Why biopsy the esophagus (twice!), you ask? Well, apparently because mine is "furrowed".

What in the world is a furrowed esophagus, you ask?

A furrowed esophagus is one that has abnormal lines or trenches in it. It is also a classic sign of eosinophilic esophagitis, an allergic response to food that causes symptoms pretty much only in the esophagus.

Symptoms are things like dysphagia/difficulty swallowing (I don't have that), persistant heartburn (don't have that either), and  esophageal food impaction (aka when food gets stuck in your esophagus and you need a doctor to use a tube to push it down to your stomach. I definitely don't have that).

Samples are being sent to a lab, and I follow up with the doctor in a few months to get those results. Both the intestinal biopsy (for celiac) and the esophageal biopsies (for EoE) need to be analyzed to confirm or disprove these conditions.

Today I am pissed. I an ANGRY. I want to lash out. I feel like hitting things and screaming, because WHAT THE FUCK.

I am making a great effort to stay quiet about this today. My friends and family have been nothing but patient with me, and I really don't want to push my luck by putting them through any more fits of yelling and crying.

Boyfriend was trying to be all supportive and helpful last night by telling me that "Yes, it sucks, but it's better that you know. It's always better to know these things."

So today? Boyfriend can fuck off too.

19
Dec

Diabetes and depression: 1

This is not hard to talk about.

I actually haven't had problems talking about it to family and coworkers. Friends, too, although I haven't told all of them. It gets tiring, having the same conversation over and over again.

It's difficult to write about it. I was a star in English class in high school. I studied sciences in university, so I didn't spend much time in languages or the arts or courses where I could improve upon my communication and literary skills. I had one mandatory English 101 class; but that's about it. Writing, to me, requires clearly presented and well-articulated thoughts and arguments. Since I was a child I've always loved to read, so writing, to me, is reserved for masters of the art. Writing is reserved for people who do it well and exhibit skills and expertise in communication.

 

I do not have these skills. I started blogging because writing, even if I did it terribly and without any measurable success, felt like it helped me to clear my head. I feel better about whatever mess is in my head when I sit down and map out thoughts and arguments.

 

I've been ignoring or avoiding writing and blogging lately. My head has felt like more of a mess than usual, and that mess is very difficult to sort out into manageable piles that can be dissected into coherent and meaningful posts.

 

I am trying to sort through that mess.

 

It started last summer. I recognized that many of the feelings that sent me to therapy in the first place were edging their way in to my psyche. I slept a lot, spent more "me" time just resting and relaxing and avoiding big group outings and when I did attend these big group events, I found them exhausting. I slowly lost feelings. I used to feel happy, excited, enthusiastic, and passionate. I felt angry, furious, frothy rage-filled wrath. I felt love. I felt a deep affection, a longing, and a devotion to people in my life who inspired these feelings. I felt tired, but a tired that was so deep in my bones that the exhaustion went right through me because I deserved the feeling. I felt life, and felt it so strongly and deeply because I truly felt like I had earned it. That...changed. It's impossible to say how or why, but slowly that slipped away from me.

 

I started revisiting my therapist in September. I had seen this particular therapist last year, and found her to be excellent. I could feel that something bad was going on, so early September I gave her a call. Her schedule was pretty full, but I was able to see her at the end of the month.

 

I think she could tell right away that I was struggling. Back when I first saw her she had helped me to work on balancing the demands of diabetes and everyday life. She helped me to work through those things, and helped me to figure out my life so I could feel like I could handle it.

In my sessions in October I received assignments like:  exercise. Walk the dog. Take those walks with the Boyfriend. TALK to my family about when I felt crummy.
I tried these things. I really did try.

By November, she encouraged me to visit my family doctor. She talked about me taking some time off to recover. My family doctor agreed.

I had some conversations with Boyfriend, and some of these worried me. I could tell he was worried. He knew that something was going on, something a little worse than just a temporary thing.  I hate worrying him. It breaks my heart to see him hurting and wondering whether his continued presence contributed to all of this.

 

My people wrote each other letters. My therapist wrote to my family doctor and recommended to him that I take some time off work. She also suggested that we consider medication. He agreed with her assessment, and started me on a course of antidepressants.

 

The first few days were rough. I've been having some significant issues with nausea, and the first three days of meds were the worse. There was a lot of vomiting.... like a lot. Soooo much puke. That's gotten better, but not significantly. I'm able to keep down food by dinner every day -- sometimes earlier! -- so it's still improving, but slowly.

 

It feels like I am still working through the diabetes burnout. The funeral this week didn't help. Time to myself has been good, I think, but still it has been a slow process.

6
Nov

Ugggh.

These last few days have felt pretty miserable.

I've been super high for super long, and it's taking super-basals and super-boluses to even make a dent in it. I've been running a 180% temp basal for about six days, but unless I also supercharge my mealtime insulin (with SUPER EXTRA mealtime insulin), this happens:

image

I feel almost constantly bloated. I am ALWAYS THIRSTY. I feel sloshy from all the water I'm drinking, and I've had a low, throbbing headache for about 3 days now.

Ketones haven't been an issue yet, which is lucky because usually I'll get things under control then stupidly think that I can eat, which  -- WHAM! -- causes more super-highs.

I have checked my sites. None of this is from an infusion set issue. That's about the only troubleshooting I've managed to do.

It's like this horrible stupid cycle.

image

Round and round and round it goes...

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