4
Nov

13? Balderdash, says I!

Welcome, ladies and gents. It is November 4th, meaning that we are 4 day in to Diabetes Month.
For today, I would like to give you a glimpse into the frustration that comes along with this big ball of autoimmune-related shit called Diabetes.
Ketones start spilling out into urine at a BG of 13 mmol/L. This is a well-documented fact, check the American Diabetes Association or similar sites to confirm. 
So why, then, does a BG like this:

CGM reading of 12.8

CGM this morning


Confirmed via fingerstick:

BG meter value of 12.3

BG via meter


Produce ketones that look like THIS:?!

Ketone stick measuring high ketones

PURPLE ketone stick


Please excuse me, I'll be spending the rest of the day suppressing the urge to scream while mindlessly beating my head against a wall out of frustration.

14
Oct

Just dealing with it: easy, or not. Also, I get off-topic fairly easily.

I don't love anything overly simple.

I think if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

I'm not alone. Tons of self-help and self-awareness articles will quote the same damn thing... but advice re: diabetes tends to be sort of scarce, when compared to general health advice for otherwise healthy people

Here's some of mine. It comes not from clinical studies or analyses thereof; rather, from life experiences of a girl who's still here after 23+ years. Or something.

Most of my advice is stolen. Literally stolen. The best piece comes from Joe Solowiejczyk: "You don't have to like it, you just have to do it.+"
Nothing says that you have to love the tens or hundreds of daily things you do to stay alive. You still have to do them.
I still work on this. I haven't seen a therapist in a while, but when I did, it was largely focussed on how tf to do this. In all honesty, I've been debating returning for quite a while, and with the wedding behind me I don't really have much of an excuse for postponing. This is a necessary conversation.

This is all completely necessary stuff. It's a little more than the average person needs to do to stay alive, but still. Necessary.
That doesn't make it any easier to do.
I know I'm lucky. After a solid week of job cuts, I am still employed. I still have some of an insurance category re: physio, therapy, etc (alllll under the same group). I can talk, I can decompress, I can try to work things out.

With my own prophetized future of Adult Who Has Her Shit Together, don't I kind of owe to to my future self to sort her current self out?

(and other reasons why I have a current buzzing sort of anxiety)
bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

 

 

 

+ I've had this quote pinned to my dresser for 3 or 4 years. I know it's from him, but I'm having a hell of a time figuring out where it came from. I believe here? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HNOOIhyU04 ++

++ Part of the "Managing Teenagers with Diabetes".

 

*Also, Kinnickinick bread the best grilled cheese** sandwich. Like holy shit, that bread is fluffy as fck, even after being frozen and retoasted. I'm sold. I think it's fantastic.
** the cheese is
daiya cheese. Remember? I'm also allergic to dairy. 'sok. I remember. Can't bloody forget...

3
Sep

Diabetes turns 23

Well, it's diabetes' 23rd birthday (for me, anyways). I certainly can't say it's been a happy one, but then again, none of them really are. 
BGS have been fine today. I am still here. I can be grateful for that today. Complications aside, I am still here.

30
Aug

End of Summer thoughts

Shaky. Fatigued. A bit brain-fuzzy, so really needing to think before I speak.

Putting things down instead of holding them, because if I hold them you'll see how my hands are shaking.

Asking a lot of questions that I *know* will set you up for a big in-depth response, because that way I can participate by making "mm hmm" noises while not actually having to speak or form a coherent response.

Leaning against the counter, because it's less risky that way. Less of a chance I'll tumble.

Smiling brightly and in a way that I hope looks reassuring, so that you won't ask if I'm feeling ok because I look a little "off".

For months, life has been about wedding planning. Now I'm not planning anything, and I think a combo of hot weather and a lack of wedding-prep stress has left me with some pretty serious lows. This week has been making it clear that I need to tweak my basal rates.

Thing is, I don't want to say that it must be so nice to be done planning.
I don't want to talk about my health. It's not nice to be back and be "basking in no wedding stress!". It's not. It's really not. It's uncomfortable and debilitating and leaves me feeling weak and frustrated.

So please, please don't ask how I am. I will hope you don't ask, and if you do, I will lie. I will lie and I'll hope you either don't catch on or, if you do, you'll get the hint and not pry. I am tired and I am low and when I'm not low I'm high. If the beeping of my pump doesn't give it away, my bright smiles and quick escapes should.

 

Just give me a bit more time to adjust to my new stress levels. Ask me again in the fall, ok? Ask me how I'm doing and maybe you'll like the answer a bit more come October.

4
Aug

Pre-wedding update!

Omg omg omg

I am 39 hours away from being married.
I have not been wearing a sensor. Keep meaning to start a new one. I should do that tonight, probably.
I've been checking less with no sensor. Maybe 2-3 times per day. No bad lows, though? & no highs that I've noticed. Doesn't mean they haven't happened though. 
It's almost time. I will start a new sensor, so that it has time to wet properly before the wedding begins. Just once I finish this book?

19
Jul

Wedding planning: t-minus 17 days

So, an update:

 

I have not uploaded my pump data to Carelink since last week when I promised myself I would (I blame Pokemon GO for this one).

Yesterday I ran out of insulin again overnight so I carried around a bottle for about 18hrs and took shots by syringe every few hours. Forgot to disconnect my pump, so I kept it connected too. I really only needed it nearby for the cgm, but didn't clue in that I could yank out the no-longer-useful infusion set.

Tonight I had two bowls of soup, three slices of pizza, a veggie wrap, and four glasses of wine for dinner. & no, I'm not done yet. It is 9pm.

 

It's official; wedding planning is getting to me. On the plus side, no scary-need-help-to-treat lows, no ketones-and-puking highs in a while so...that's a good sign? Silver linings, anyone?

7
Jul

Thoughts while low

I get really bad wifi connection when I'm in the fridge with my juice drinking all of the juice.
#lowthoughts

18
May

Telling an edited version of the story

I realized something slightly ridiculous today.

 

I told a lie about why I ended up waking up with a high BG this morning. I was out with a group of friends, but the migrane that's been edging in since I first woke up was getting louder and angrier by the minute. I spoke to the hostess to politely excuse myself so I could go home to sit in a very quiet room with the lights dimmed, and this kind, wonderful friend of mine asked what was up.

 

I told her, as well as her parents who had just arrived to the soiree, that I woke up with a high blood sugar and a splitting headache and it's been getting worse all day. I then shrugged. It must have been a kinked pump cannula or something, I explained. That's definitely why I woke up high.

 

It's not, though. I was 4.3 with 1.5 units of insulin on board when I checked before bed. I'd just started a new cgm and was still in the 2-hour warm-up period, so I had no cgm graph to indicate whether I was stable or dropping. I was uncomfortable going to bed at that number with insulin still on board, so I chugged back a juice box before brushing my teeth and going to bed.

 

I was, in case you can't tell where this is going, very mistaken about the effects of my on-board insulin. I woke up at 14 -- by far not the worst blood sugar I've ever seen upon waking up, but still high enough to give me the headachey, fuzzy-mouthed irritability that comes with a few solid hours of high BGs.

 

The part that's truly baffling though, is why did I lie? I'm positive my friend could not give less of a shit about the finer details. Why not just admit that I was scared of going low overnight, so I overreacted? There would be no judgement from this friend; no chastising me for not waiting it out or setting an alarm to check overnight. No finger-wagging or tsk-tsk-tsking at how I jumped the gun and treated a low that hadn't happened yet.

 

I know my actions weren't ideal. I think my reasons (fear of going low) are perfectly reasonable, but still I obviously overtreated. Why did I hide that information? Why treat it like I have something to hide?

3
Sep

22 years

September 3rd makes me angry.

It's not intentional, but it's a problem. Maybe.

Have you noticed I'm not too thrilled about this year's dia-versary?

Last year when my diabetes turned 21 I picked a fight on twitter with a local Doctor-slash-media-darling and his followers who were commenting on a promotion by a fast-food restaurant (Dairy Queen, I think) who was donating a percentage of ice cream sales to JDRF.
This guy is a huge proponent of balanced plant-based diets and exercise, and is (it seems/if his book sales are any indication) a beloved member of the community in my city. I followed him on twitter because my Nancy is a fan of his work, and up until a year ago, I was as well.

On Sept the 3rd of 2014 I was waiting at work for some processing to run, I scrolled through my twitter feed and saw this comment. I saw red; my vision literally clouded over and I felt blind-sided by the rage that had built swiftly and with a vengeance. I was furious -- he was essentially saying that by choosing to purchase food products from a retailer who serves sugary snacks, despite this restaurant donating part of their proceeds to JDRF, the buyer was contributing to a diabetes epidemic.

I called him out, as well as some of his followers. I spent a lot of that day trying to explain to randos on the internet how hurtful and cruel their comments were.  I think that day was the first time I realized how difficult it is to express yourself in 140 characters or less, and I'm not sure I managed to convince anyone to change their minds on the issue.

Despite this, I remain convinced that my inability to clearly articulate my argument does not make me wrong.

This year I haven't gone on any internet-rampages; rather, I found my mood sitting somewhere in the "I dare you to fuck with me" realm.
I hate this. I hate diabetes. I hate how upsetting I find it and I hate how angry it sometimes makes me. I hate how there are days where I am so frustrated with trying to stay alive that I honestly and truly believe I might just give up, just lose the ability to continue to try, consequences be damned.

It crosses my mind every time I bolus for a large meal that unless I eat, I have likely just given a lethal dose of a medication. Sometimes this balancing act feels all but impossible.

 

None of this is coming out as I want it to, but that's about the norm as far as my diabetes-related-feelings go.

2
Jun

When health stuff is all I've got going on

Sometimes I feel like diabetes doesn't leave me with very much left to work with. When I ask someone how their weekend went and in return they ask me the same, I sometimes struggle to come up with a description for my days that doesn't revolve around diabetes. I have entire days where all I can remember is the thirsty, bloaty, exhaustion-filled highs that wouldn't come down or the trembling, sweaty lows that shake me to my core.

 

I know that life isn't all about taking care of diabetes. Health and disease management should only be one part of a complete and balanced life. It makes me wonder, at times, what has to give in order to find that balance. Do you give up on tight BG control in order to gain back some flexibility in life? Or give up some of life in order to achieve a better A1C? The bums-me-out-that-it's-one-or-the-other thing aside, I feel right now as though I'm erring on the side of better BGs, and as a consequence I'm missing out on other things.

 

I need to figure out how to fix that. Until I get to that, you can find me working on some solid non-diabetes-related lies to tell people when they ask about my weekends.

 

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