3
Sep

Another dx anniversary 

A few words for my Diabetes.
So, diabetes, there's not much to note this year. It's a Sunday; I spent most of the day cooking and doing laundry. Exciting stuff. You know all about it- you followed me around all day, just as you have for the past few decades.
I started a new sensor but was about to eat dinner, then had just eaten, then ate dessert... so by the time I checked to calibrate, I was running pretty high. Hardly surprising. You remember this, I'm sure.  After all, you were there to refuse to take my sensor calibration. "Too high," you told me. "Try again later."
I recently heard some good news about having CGM evaluated for coverage in my province. More on this later, but it could be very exciting. Who knows, diabetes-- maybe more folks in my province could be equipped with the tools and the tech that we need in order to kick you back where you belong??
Diabetes, you might have noticed that I didn't get in fights with anyone today. I didn't get rip-roaring drunk and bawl my eyes out about you, the incessant nuisance that refuses to leave me the fck alone. I didn't cave to the unhealthy habits of back in the day. I was....okay.
Maybe this is growing up? It feels like quiet resignation. A resigned sort of sadness. I might not be ripping into anyone who dares piss me off today, but I'm still feeling that deep grief that can't be paved over no matter how hard you try to ignore it. I guess this is now it is.
Diabetes, it's been 24 years. I don't speak to you directly very often, as I find it hard to stay reasonable in these conversations, but I will say this:

As ever year,
I wish.

I hope. 

I very sincerely pray that someone; some divine ruler, some masterful scientist, SOME ONE hears these dreams of mine.

I hope only one of us is left this time next year.
Yours,
Melody

11
Aug

Misc thoughts that have been floating around

I've had a few thoughts and things that keep coming back. In no particular order:

  • We moved about a month ago. In the midst of unpacking and tidying, I've had a few lows that have fuelled house-cleaning rampages. These flurries of vacuuming, bleaching, etc are incredibly productive, if not particularly healthy.
  • Hoosband was away camping with friends about 3 weeks ago. I fired up the Minimed Connect and added my mom to the list of people to be alerted by text if I went low, since Hoobs wouldn't have any cell service. Night 2 of this camping trip, I had a bad overnight low and I woke up to my dad offering me a glass of juice. I really, truly thought I was in good shape and had a handle on my overnight blood sugars. Guess it just goes to show that things are never certain when it comes to diabetes. 
  • My mom came grocery shopping with me on my first shopping trip after the move. When I mentioned that I needed dish soap, she pulled me aside and solemnly explained how I should go for the soap with a flip-top instead of a pull-top, as the pull-top bottles tend to get all gummed up with soap. I ended up stifling a laugh as I told her that it is a new house, yes, but this is far from my first time buying dish soap. I know what I'm doing. Sort of.
  • I still haven't finished unpacking my pump supplies. I'll get to it... when the current box of infusion sets runs out.

Diabetes has been taking a backseat to the rest of Life lately. That should really change, soon.

4
Nov

13? Balderdash, says I!

Welcome, ladies and gents. It is November 4th, meaning that we are 4 day in to Diabetes Month.
For today, I would like to give you a glimpse into the frustration that comes along with this big ball of autoimmune-related shit called Diabetes.
Ketones start spilling out into urine at a BG of 13 mmol/L. This is a well-documented fact, check the American Diabetes Association or similar sites to confirm. 
So why, then, does a BG like this:

CGM reading of 12.8

CGM this morning


Confirmed via fingerstick:

BG meter value of 12.3

BG via meter


Produce ketones that look like THIS:?!

Ketone stick measuring high ketones

PURPLE ketone stick


Please excuse me, I'll be spending the rest of the day suppressing the urge to scream while mindlessly beating my head against a wall out of frustration.

14
Oct

Just dealing with it: easy, or not. Also, I get off-topic fairly easily.

I don't love anything overly simple.

I think if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

I'm not alone. Tons of self-help and self-awareness articles will quote the same damn thing... but advice re: diabetes tends to be sort of scarce, when compared to general health advice for otherwise healthy people

Here's some of mine. It comes not from clinical studies or analyses thereof; rather, from life experiences of a girl who's still here after 23+ years. Or something.

Most of my advice is stolen. Literally stolen. The best piece comes from Joe Solowiejczyk: "You don't have to like it, you just have to do it.+"
Nothing says that you have to love the tens or hundreds of daily things you do to stay alive. You still have to do them.
I still work on this. I haven't seen a therapist in a while, but when I did, it was largely focussed on how tf to do this. In all honesty, I've been debating returning for quite a while, and with the wedding behind me I don't really have much of an excuse for postponing. This is a necessary conversation.

This is all completely necessary stuff. It's a little more than the average person needs to do to stay alive, but still. Necessary.
That doesn't make it any easier to do.
I know I'm lucky. After a solid week of job cuts, I am still employed. I still have some of an insurance category re: physio, therapy, etc (alllll under the same group). I can talk, I can decompress, I can try to work things out.

With my own prophetized future of Adult Who Has Her Shit Together, don't I kind of owe to to my future self to sort her current self out?

(and other reasons why I have a current buzzing sort of anxiety)
bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

 

 

 

+ I've had this quote pinned to my dresser for 3 or 4 years. I know it's from him, but I'm having a hell of a time figuring out where it came from. I believe here? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HNOOIhyU04 ++

++ Part of the "Managing Teenagers with Diabetes".

 

*Also, Kinnickinick bread the best grilled cheese** sandwich. Like holy shit, that bread is fluffy as fck, even after being frozen and retoasted. I'm sold. I think it's fantastic.
** the cheese is
daiya cheese. Remember? I'm also allergic to dairy. 'sok. I remember. Can't bloody forget...

3
Sep

Diabetes turns 23

Well, it's diabetes' 23rd birthday (for me, anyways). I certainly can't say it's been a happy one, but then again, none of them really are. 
BGS have been fine today. I am still here. I can be grateful for that today. Complications aside, I am still here.

30
Aug

End of Summer thoughts

Shaky. Fatigued. A bit brain-fuzzy, so really needing to think before I speak.

Putting things down instead of holding them, because if I hold them you'll see how my hands are shaking.

Asking a lot of questions that I *know* will set you up for a big in-depth response, because that way I can participate by making "mm hmm" noises while not actually having to speak or form a coherent response.

Leaning against the counter, because it's less risky that way. Less of a chance I'll tumble.

Smiling brightly and in a way that I hope looks reassuring, so that you won't ask if I'm feeling ok because I look a little "off".

For months, life has been about wedding planning. Now I'm not planning anything, and I think a combo of hot weather and a lack of wedding-prep stress has left me with some pretty serious lows. This week has been making it clear that I need to tweak my basal rates.

Thing is, I don't want to say that it must be so nice to be done planning.
I don't want to talk about my health. It's not nice to be back and be "basking in no wedding stress!". It's not. It's really not. It's uncomfortable and debilitating and leaves me feeling weak and frustrated.

So please, please don't ask how I am. I will hope you don't ask, and if you do, I will lie. I will lie and I'll hope you either don't catch on or, if you do, you'll get the hint and not pry. I am tired and I am low and when I'm not low I'm high. If the beeping of my pump doesn't give it away, my bright smiles and quick escapes should.

 

Just give me a bit more time to adjust to my new stress levels. Ask me again in the fall, ok? Ask me how I'm doing and maybe you'll like the answer a bit more come October.

4
Aug

Pre-wedding update!

Omg omg omg

I am 39 hours away from being married.
I have not been wearing a sensor. Keep meaning to start a new one. I should do that tonight, probably.
I've been checking less with no sensor. Maybe 2-3 times per day. No bad lows, though? & no highs that I've noticed. Doesn't mean they haven't happened though. 
It's almost time. I will start a new sensor, so that it has time to wet properly before the wedding begins. Just once I finish this book?

19
Jul

Wedding planning: t-minus 17 days

So, an update:

 

I have not uploaded my pump data to Carelink since last week when I promised myself I would (I blame Pokemon GO for this one).

Yesterday I ran out of insulin again overnight so I carried around a bottle for about 18hrs and took shots by syringe every few hours. Forgot to disconnect my pump, so I kept it connected too. I really only needed it nearby for the cgm, but didn't clue in that I could yank out the no-longer-useful infusion set.

Tonight I had two bowls of soup, three slices of pizza, a veggie wrap, and four glasses of wine for dinner. & no, I'm not done yet. It is 9pm.

 

It's official; wedding planning is getting to me. On the plus side, no scary-need-help-to-treat lows, no ketones-and-puking highs in a while so...that's a good sign? Silver linings, anyone?

7
Jul

Thoughts while low

I get really bad wifi connection when I'm in the fridge with my juice drinking all of the juice.
#lowthoughts

18
May

Telling an edited version of the story

I realized something slightly ridiculous today.

 

I told a lie about why I ended up waking up with a high BG this morning. I was out with a group of friends, but the migrane that's been edging in since I first woke up was getting louder and angrier by the minute. I spoke to the hostess to politely excuse myself so I could go home to sit in a very quiet room with the lights dimmed, and this kind, wonderful friend of mine asked what was up.

 

I told her, as well as her parents who had just arrived to the soiree, that I woke up with a high blood sugar and a splitting headache and it's been getting worse all day. I then shrugged. It must have been a kinked pump cannula or something, I explained. That's definitely why I woke up high.

 

It's not, though. I was 4.3 with 1.5 units of insulin on board when I checked before bed. I'd just started a new cgm and was still in the 2-hour warm-up period, so I had no cgm graph to indicate whether I was stable or dropping. I was uncomfortable going to bed at that number with insulin still on board, so I chugged back a juice box before brushing my teeth and going to bed.

 

I was, in case you can't tell where this is going, very mistaken about the effects of my on-board insulin. I woke up at 14 -- by far not the worst blood sugar I've ever seen upon waking up, but still high enough to give me the headachey, fuzzy-mouthed irritability that comes with a few solid hours of high BGs.

 

The part that's truly baffling though, is why did I lie? I'm positive my friend could not give less of a shit about the finer details. Why not just admit that I was scared of going low overnight, so I overreacted? There would be no judgement from this friend; no chastising me for not waiting it out or setting an alarm to check overnight. No finger-wagging or tsk-tsk-tsking at how I jumped the gun and treated a low that hadn't happened yet.

 

I know my actions weren't ideal. I think my reasons (fear of going low) are perfectly reasonable, but still I obviously overtreated. Why did I hide that information? Why treat it like I have something to hide?

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