I know you are sick. You have been fighting game a sinus cold for days, and it seems truly miserable. You're stuffed up, your head hurts, and when I turn on a light in the middle of the night, the brightness stuns you and makes your blinding headache that much worse.
I know all of this. I promise, I really do.
Thing is, with a blood sugar of above 33... at this moment in time, I am sick too.*
My head hurts. My stomach hurts. I am thirsty as fck but if I give in and chug back a ton of water, I know I will throw up from overdoing it on fluids. I can't have NO fluids though, since dehydration makes insulin work less efficiently, and I reeeeally want my insulin to work as well as possible right now.
I did a middle-of-the-night infusion set change, since the site I started before dinner seems like it's not working. My whole body feels puffy and swollen from drinking liters of water over the last few hours. I promise, you are not the only one who feels sick.
Yours is a special, acute kind of Sick though. You feel terrible now, whereas my type of sick is a chronic slow burn that spikes every so often, then goes back to lurking in the background.
I really am sorry for waking you up with my lights and beeping and swearing. I hope you feel better soon, love. And I really, truly do understand: it sucks to feel sick.
*The manufacturer for.my meter says that HI readings occur with a bg above 600mg/dl or 33.3 mmol/L.
& I promise that a fair bit of thought went into this post name. I can't call it a big change. I tried to be excited, I really did, but a vague possibility of a new device that will be available in my region in an unspecified* number of years** is not really something that makes me feel particularly optimistic.
Still, it's a new development, and I do believe that any move towards a true artificial pancreas is a good thing -- even if it's likely to be a little while before it makes it to Canada.
So here, behold. Medtronic's latest and greatest: the 670g.
*The lovely Medtronic Canada staffer who took my call this afternoon assured me that across the corporation, staff have no knowledge of anything involving Canadian device approval. She clarified that it is not a case of them being prevented from discussing yet-to-be-approved devices; rather, Medtronic has said zilch about the 67og's availability in other countries.
**Just a guess. "Years" is hopefully a bit of a stretch. I imagine its probably going to be 1-2 years, especially since they're not even going to ship in the US until spring of 2017.
Today's title would be "a shedding rabbit stores an entire 3xtra rabbits' worth of fur: and other things you do not realize while wearing a black shirt and deciding to brush your pet"
Well, it's diabetes' 23rd birthday (for me, anyways). I certainly can't say it's been a happy one, but then again, none of them really are.
BGS have been fine today. I am still here. I can be grateful for that today. Complications aside, I am still here.
Shaky. Fatigued. A bit brain-fuzzy, so really needing to think before I speak.
Putting things down instead of holding them, because if I hold them you'll see how my hands are shaking.
Asking a lot of questions that I *know* will set you up for a big in-depth response, because that way I can participate by making "mm hmm" noises while not actually having to speak or form a coherent response.
Leaning against the counter, because it's less risky that way. Less of a chance I'll tumble.
Smiling brightly and in a way that I hope looks reassuring, so that you won't ask if I'm feeling ok because I look a little "off".
For months, life has been about wedding planning. Now I'm not planning anything, and I think a combo of hot weather and a lack of wedding-prep stress has left me with some pretty serious lows. This week has been making it clear that I need to tweak my basal rates.
Thing is, I don't want to say that it must be so nice to be done planning.
I don't want to talk about my health. It's not nice to be back and be "basking in no wedding stress!". It's not. It's really not. It's uncomfortable and debilitating and leaves me feeling weak and frustrated.
So please, please don't ask how I am. I will hope you don't ask, and if you do, I will lie. I will lie and I'll hope you either don't catch on or, if you do, you'll get the hint and not pry. I am tired and I am low and when I'm not low I'm high. If the beeping of my pump doesn't give it away, my bright smiles and quick escapes should.
Just give me a bit more time to adjust to my new stress levels. Ask me again in the fall, ok? Ask me how I'm doing and maybe you'll like the answer a bit more come October.
I attended my first big event as a married woman tonight.
I felt iffy, & checked leading up to the event. I got a 2.2 on a bg right before the bride walked.
Chug a glucagel.
Today is NOT about me. Do NOT let this become a thing.
ChugAsMuch as possible.
Today is not about me.
What do I have to do to not make a scene? Let's keep this quiet. Can I stand? Ok, we are standing. I am clapping. Good, time for sitting again. Why did I pick a seat on the end of an aisle? If I end up needing to suck back another pouch of liquid glucose, I am RIGHT in the line of their pictures. Let's have less glucose and just try really hard not to be embarrassing until the ceremony's over.
Post-wedding contemplation revealed that thoughts during the ceremony were all over the place. I had a pretty bad low minutes below it started, and it was bad enough that even the Husband was worried enough to debate marching us out of there. I'm not sure whether it was the heat (holy moly it was 30+ degrees) or the excitement of a friend's big day, but that low hit me hard.
There are some times where diabetes gets to be front-and-centre.
If it is acting up and requiring that I stop other activities in order to treat a high or low, I will respond. Definitely. Stop. Everything and Fix. It.
If it is life-threatening, on the other hand? That is a different issue. That is a recruit-the-troops, call in the friends, have backup people because I'm not sure I can take care of myself sort-of-situation.
In this case, a bg of 2.2 was leaving me feeling fairly incapacitated. My head was fuzzy and I was worried (very worried) about being able to stand in my 1.5" heels. I had my wonderful (and highly concerned) husband watching me very closely for signs that he needed to say "fuck this wedding, I might lose my wife" and call an ambulance.
Let it be known that I did not believe it would get to that point.
I have a feeling that he did think that it might get that bad. He knows I'm very sensitive to heat, so even when I think I'm in the clear, sommmmmmmmetimes the weather gets to me more than I expect.
I chugged a glucagel and suspended my pump. Not reassuring for him, I know, since my pump was also set to vibrate-mode during the wedding, which means that any additional low alerts would be evident to me but not to him.
This low brought me closer than lows usually do, but this one was not life-threatening.
With no action on my part, it would have been. Absolutely. No argument there. 2.2 on a hot day is going to get worse, maybe quickly.
I did treat it though. I spent what I'm sure was a beautiful wedding entirely focused on breathing and maintaining my balance in my chair.
I'm part annoyed to admit that it was necessary, but proud to say that at least I did not fall out of my chair mid-ceremony. Thank goodness for small miracles?*
*In case you're curious, it was a beautiful wedding. And a lovely evening altogether. :)!
Today I marry the love of my life. I'm so excited to make promises and vows to this man who I love with all of my heart.
I can't imagine my life without him, and he tells me he loves me too -- broken pancreas and all.
(to be fair, I do have some good qualities that sort of offset the broken-pancreas stuff. I think.)
I feel like the luckiest girl alive <3
I am 39 hours away from being married.
I have not been wearing a sensor. Keep meaning to start a new one. I should do that tonight, probably.
I've been checking less with no sensor. Maybe 2-3 times per day. No bad lows, though? & no highs that I've noticed. Doesn't mean they haven't happened though.
It's almost time. I will start a new sensor, so that it has time to wet properly before the wedding begins. Just once I finish this book?
So, an update:
I have not uploaded my pump data to Carelink since last week when I promised myself I would (I blame Pokemon GO for this one).
Yesterday I ran out of insulin again overnight so I carried around a bottle for about 18hrs and took shots by syringe every few hours. Forgot to disconnect my pump, so I kept it connected too. I really only needed it nearby for the cgm, but didn't clue in that I could yank out the no-longer-useful infusion set.
Tonight I had two bowls of soup, three slices of pizza, a veggie wrap, and four glasses of wine for dinner. & no, I'm not done yet. It is 9pm.
It's official; wedding planning is getting to me. On the plus side, no scary-need-help-to-treat lows, no ketones-and-puking highs in a while so...that's a good sign? Silver linings, anyone?