It's 2am. You have had 6 drinks over the past 6 hours.
You have had a 70% temp basal set for the past 3 hours. It is scheduled to continue for 8 more hours.
Your current BG is 10.0.
Your cgm says 9.6 with a straight-ish line, so it's not too far off.
You have 0.3 units of active insulin on board. Your pump recommends an additional 0.9 units to treat the high bg.
You are a 40 minute drive away from the people who know how to help if things go south. The alcohol makes you much more sensitive to insulin than you usually are.
If you wake up with a BG above 12, your hangover will be magnified and you likely won't be able to make the drive home tomorrow. If you go below 5, your cgm will wake up half the cabin.
What do you do?
I don't love anything overly simple.
I think if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
I'm not alone. Tons of self-help and self-awareness articles will quote the same damn thing... but advice re: diabetes tends to be sort of scarce, when compared to general health advice for otherwise healthy people
Here's some of mine. It comes not from clinical studies or analyses thereof; rather, from life experiences of a girl who's still here after 23+ years. Or something.
Most of my advice is stolen. Literally stolen. The best piece comes from Joe Solowiejczyk: "You don't have to like it, you just have to do it.+"
Nothing says that you have to love the tens or hundreds of daily things you do to stay alive. You still have to do them.
I still work on this. I haven't seen a therapist in a while, but when I did, it was largely focussed on how tf to do this. In all honesty, I've been debating returning for quite a while, and with the wedding behind me I don't really have much of an excuse for postponing. This is a necessary conversation.
This is all completely necessary stuff. It's a little more than the average person needs to do to stay alive, but still. Necessary.
That doesn't make it any easier to do.
I know I'm lucky. After a solid week of job cuts, I am still employed. I still have some of an insurance category re: physio, therapy, etc (alllll under the same group). I can talk, I can decompress, I can try to work things out.
With my own prophetized future of Adult Who Has Her Shit Together, don't I kind of owe to to my future self to sort her current self out?
(and other reasons why I have a current buzzing sort of anxiety)
+ I've had this quote pinned to my dresser for 3 or 4 years. I know it's from him, but I'm having a hell of a time figuring out where it came from. I believe here? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HNOOIhyU04 ++
++ Part of the "Managing Teenagers with Diabetes".
*Also, Kinnickinick bread the best grilled cheese** sandwich. Like holy shit, that bread is fluffy as fck, even after being frozen and retoasted. I'm sold. I think it's fantastic.
** the cheese is daiya cheese. Remember? I'm also allergic to dairy. 'sok. I remember. Can't bloody forget...
I know you are sick. You have been fighting game a sinus cold for days, and it seems truly miserable. You're stuffed up, your head hurts, and when I turn on a light in the middle of the night, the brightness stuns you and makes your blinding headache that much worse.
I know all of this. I promise, I really do.
Thing is, with a blood sugar of above 33... at this moment in time, I am sick too.*
My head hurts. My stomach hurts. I am thirsty as fck but if I give in and chug back a ton of water, I know I will throw up from overdoing it on fluids. I can't have NO fluids though, since dehydration makes insulin work less efficiently, and I reeeeally want my insulin to work as well as possible right now.
I did a middle-of-the-night infusion set change, since the site I started before dinner seems like it's not working. My whole body feels puffy and swollen from drinking liters of water over the last few hours. I promise, you are not the only one who feels sick.
Yours is a special, acute kind of Sick though. You feel terrible now, whereas my type of sick is a chronic slow burn that spikes every so often, then goes back to lurking in the background.
I really am sorry for waking you up with my lights and beeping and swearing. I hope you feel better soon, love. And I really, truly do understand: it sucks to feel sick.
*The manufacturer for.my meter says that HI readings occur with a bg above 600mg/dl or 33.3 mmol/L.
& I promise that a fair bit of thought went into this post name. I can't call it a big change. I tried to be excited, I really did, but a vague possibility of a new device that will be available in my region in an unspecified* number of years** is not really something that makes me feel particularly optimistic.
Still, it's a new development, and I do believe that any move towards a true artificial pancreas is a good thing -- even if it's likely to be a little while before it makes it to Canada.
So here, behold. Medtronic's latest and greatest: the 670g.
*The lovely Medtronic Canada staffer who took my call this afternoon assured me that across the corporation, staff have no knowledge of anything involving Canadian device approval. She clarified that it is not a case of them being prevented from discussing yet-to-be-approved devices; rather, Medtronic has said zilch about the 67og's availability in other countries.
**Just a guess. "Years" is hopefully a bit of a stretch. I imagine its probably going to be 1-2 years, especially since they're not even going to ship in the US until spring of 2017.
Today's title would be "a shedding rabbit stores an entire 3xtra rabbits' worth of fur: and other things you do not realize while wearing a black shirt and deciding to brush your pet"
Well, it's diabetes' 23rd birthday (for me, anyways). I certainly can't say it's been a happy one, but then again, none of them really are.
BGS have been fine today. I am still here. I can be grateful for that today. Complications aside, I am still here.
Shaky. Fatigued. A bit brain-fuzzy, so really needing to think before I speak.
Putting things down instead of holding them, because if I hold them you'll see how my hands are shaking.
Asking a lot of questions that I *know* will set you up for a big in-depth response, because that way I can participate by making "mm hmm" noises while not actually having to speak or form a coherent response.
Leaning against the counter, because it's less risky that way. Less of a chance I'll tumble.
Smiling brightly and in a way that I hope looks reassuring, so that you won't ask if I'm feeling ok because I look a little "off".
For months, life has been about wedding planning. Now I'm not planning anything, and I think a combo of hot weather and a lack of wedding-prep stress has left me with some pretty serious lows. This week has been making it clear that I need to tweak my basal rates.
Thing is, I don't want to say that it must be so nice to be done planning.
I don't want to talk about my health. It's not nice to be back and be "basking in no wedding stress!". It's not. It's really not. It's uncomfortable and debilitating and leaves me feeling weak and frustrated.
So please, please don't ask how I am. I will hope you don't ask, and if you do, I will lie. I will lie and I'll hope you either don't catch on or, if you do, you'll get the hint and not pry. I am tired and I am low and when I'm not low I'm high. If the beeping of my pump doesn't give it away, my bright smiles and quick escapes should.
Just give me a bit more time to adjust to my new stress levels. Ask me again in the fall, ok? Ask me how I'm doing and maybe you'll like the answer a bit more come October.
I attended my first big event as a married woman tonight.
I felt iffy, & checked leading up to the event. I got a 2.2 on a bg right before the bride walked.
Chug a glucagel.
Today is NOT about me. Do NOT let this become a thing.
ChugAsMuch as possible.
Today is not about me.
What do I have to do to not make a scene? Let's keep this quiet. Can I stand? Ok, we are standing. I am clapping. Good, time for sitting again. Why did I pick a seat on the end of an aisle? If I end up needing to suck back another pouch of liquid glucose, I am RIGHT in the line of their pictures. Let's have less glucose and just try really hard not to be embarrassing until the ceremony's over.
Post-wedding contemplation revealed that thoughts during the ceremony were all over the place. I had a pretty bad low minutes below it started, and it was bad enough that even the Husband was worried enough to debate marching us out of there. I'm not sure whether it was the heat (holy moly it was 30+ degrees) or the excitement of a friend's big day, but that low hit me hard.
There are some times where diabetes gets to be front-and-centre.
If it is acting up and requiring that I stop other activities in order to treat a high or low, I will respond. Definitely. Stop. Everything and Fix. It.
If it is life-threatening, on the other hand? That is a different issue. That is a recruit-the-troops, call in the friends, have backup people because I'm not sure I can take care of myself sort-of-situation.
In this case, a bg of 2.2 was leaving me feeling fairly incapacitated. My head was fuzzy and I was worried (very worried) about being able to stand in my 1.5" heels. I had my wonderful (and highly concerned) husband watching me very closely for signs that he needed to say "fuck this wedding, I might lose my wife" and call an ambulance.
Let it be known that I did not believe it would get to that point.
I have a feeling that he did think that it might get that bad. He knows I'm very sensitive to heat, so even when I think I'm in the clear, sommmmmmmmetimes the weather gets to me more than I expect.
I chugged a glucagel and suspended my pump. Not reassuring for him, I know, since my pump was also set to vibrate-mode during the wedding, which means that any additional low alerts would be evident to me but not to him.
This low brought me closer than lows usually do, but this one was not life-threatening.
With no action on my part, it would have been. Absolutely. No argument there. 2.2 on a hot day is going to get worse, maybe quickly.
I did treat it though. I spent what I'm sure was a beautiful wedding entirely focused on breathing and maintaining my balance in my chair.
I'm part annoyed to admit that it was necessary, but proud to say that at least I did not fall out of my chair mid-ceremony. Thank goodness for small miracles?*
*In case you're curious, it was a beautiful wedding. And a lovely evening altogether. :)!
Today I marry the love of my life. I'm so excited to make promises and vows to this man who I love with all of my heart.
I can't imagine my life without him, and he tells me he loves me too -- broken pancreas and all.
(to be fair, I do have some good qualities that sort of offset the broken-pancreas stuff. I think.)
I feel like the luckiest girl alive <3