3
Sep

Another dx anniversary 

A few words for my Diabetes.
So, diabetes, there's not much to note this year. It's a Sunday; I spent most of the day cooking and doing laundry. Exciting stuff. You know all about it- you followed me around all day, just as you have for the past few decades.
I started a new sensor but was about to eat dinner, then had just eaten, then ate dessert... so by the time I checked to calibrate, I was running pretty high. Hardly surprising. You remember this, I'm sure.  After all, you were there to refuse to take my sensor calibration. "Too high," you told me. "Try again later."
I recently heard some good news about having CGM evaluated for coverage in my province. More on this later, but it could be very exciting. Who knows, diabetes-- maybe more folks in my province could be equipped with the tools and the tech that we need in order to kick you back where you belong??
Diabetes, you might have noticed that I didn't get in fights with anyone today. I didn't get rip-roaring drunk and bawl my eyes out about you, the incessant nuisance that refuses to leave me the fck alone. I didn't cave to the unhealthy habits of back in the day. I was....okay.
Maybe this is growing up? It feels like quiet resignation. A resigned sort of sadness. I might not be ripping into anyone who dares piss me off today, but I'm still feeling that deep grief that can't be paved over no matter how hard you try to ignore it. I guess this is now it is.
Diabetes, it's been 24 years. I don't speak to you directly very often, as I find it hard to stay reasonable in these conversations, but I will say this:

As ever year,
I wish.

I hope. 

I very sincerely pray that someone; some divine ruler, some masterful scientist, SOME ONE hears these dreams of mine.

I hope only one of us is left this time next year.
Yours,
Melody

7
Oct

Some things are best left unsaid

Dear Husband,
I know you are sick. You have been fighting game a sinus cold for days, and it seems truly miserable.  You're stuffed up, your head hurts, and when I turn on a light in the middle of the night, the brightness stuns you and makes your blinding headache that much worse.
I know all of this. I promise, I really do.

Thing is, with a blood sugar of above 33... at this moment in time, I am sick too.*
My head hurts. My stomach hurts. I am thirsty as fck but if I give in and chug back a ton of water, I know I will throw up from overdoing it on fluids. I can't have NO fluids though, since dehydration makes insulin work less efficiently, and I reeeeally want my insulin to work as well as possible right now.

I did a middle-of-the-night infusion set change, since the site I started before dinner seems like it's not working. My whole body feels puffy and swollen from drinking liters of water over the last few hours. I promise, you are not the only one who feels sick.
Yours is a special, acute kind of Sick though. You feel terrible now, whereas my type of sick is a chronic slow burn that spikes every so often, then goes back to lurking in the background.
I really am sorry for waking you up with my lights and beeping and swearing. I hope you feel better soon, love. And I really, truly do understand: it sucks to feel sick.

*The manufacturer for.my meter says that HI readings occur with a bg above 600mg/dl or 33.3 mmol/L. 

Glucometer manual here, if you feel like some light reading 

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